Things I Wish I Said

We all have things like this, I know. Here are some of mine...

Situation 1

Receptionist: "Sorry about that phone call, how can I help you today?"

Me: "Oh it's alright, I could tell that you ordering flowers for your boyfriend on your two-week anniversary was important enough to make me stand here awkwardly for 15 minutes. Now, I am in the Emergency Room today because..."

Situation 2:

**smack smack chew chew slurp slurp**

Guest: "Thanks for that food! It was delicious!"

Me: "Oh it was no trouble at all. Next time though, I will be sure to get food that won't bite you back, because I'm quite certain that a civilized person like yourself couldn't possibly make such noises while eating...whereas the cow that the steak came from made noises like that all the time."

Situation 3:

*yelling*

Party Host: "Hey, the music isn't too loud, right?"

Me: "Of course not! It couldn't be too loud if you're screaming to make yourself heard. I'm just SO glad my voice will be gone tomorrow!"

Situation 4:

Injured Person: "Are you insane??"

Me: "If you're asking that because I just hit you over the head with a racket, then no. You were being an idiot and I was saving you from yourself. Otherwise...yeah, probably."

Situation 5:

Receptionist: "The wait is about three hours. Is that alright?"

Me: "Of course that's okay! I only came to the doctor's office today to relax for a while...I mean, I didn't really schedule an appointment that's supposed to start in five minute."

Situation 6:

**climbing into a hot car on a really hot day**

My Mom: "I have to make an important phone call."

Me: "For what?"

Mom: "A hair cut."

Me: "You do know that doesn't really qualify as important, right? Important would be calling 911 after one of us dies from heat exhaustion since you closed the car door to make a phone call for a beauty appointment."

Situation 7:

**Wendy and I in the truck, watching muscular shirtless man running**

Wendy: "Whoa."

Me: "Yeah. Too bad we don't have candy. He'd come in here."

Wendy: "He is so attractive. Everyone's honking at him, too. Oh man."

Me: "Actually, the light's green."

Wendy: "...Oh."