Eggshell

Having crappy things happen just seems to be part of life. That doesn't mean we enjoy those things, though. I filed for divorce a while ago, but today I finally told him to his face that we're done, totally and completely. We're meeting on Wednesday, at the courthouse, to sign the divorce by stipulation paperwork, and the request to waive the 90-day waiting period. He wasn't happy about it, of course. He tried to give me reasons to stay with him, to not divorce him. I told him he needed to move on. He said he'd always be waiting. I told him that he shouldn't, it wouldn't do any good. I opened the door and told him goodbye. He said see you later. I grimaces and shook my head no, and closed the door. I was immediately weighed down by the grief of the situation. I barely made it up the stairs to cry on my mom's shoulder. But I did make it. I was finally strong enough to tell him goodbye, to really tell him "no more" to his face. It hurt, but after I cried for a while, I felt lighter. I am more free, now. It's been a while since I've felt free of the chains that bound me to him. The divorce isn't final yet, steps still need to be taken. But I feel stronger now. I'll make it through. And I have not done it alone. Friends and family have helped me almost every step of the way. They've helped when I wasn't stepping at all, but trying to drag myself across the abyss of this. I am grateful for them. And (this won't turn into a testimony) I am grateful to God, He's done most of the work here. And He's given me my friends and my family to support me and help me.

I found something interesting the other day. I was looking through some of my writing...I wrote this for a class, while I was still with him...

Eggshell

I crack the hard-boiled egg

in one hand,

feeling the satisfying crunch

of the shell

shattering.

I do not hurt like the egg does,

when its protective cover breaks.

The pornography,

transgender,

abusive,

lazy

things you do don’t bother me.

No, seeing you in my dress

or with your painted toenails,

does not matter to me.

I forget that you spend my money

to buy your girly things,

just as I have pretended to forget

the neglect to everything and

everyone you used to love.

None of this matters.

But the egg shell is broken,

and it’s only a matter of

time before the egg is

smashed and eaten.

He very nearly destroyed me, smashed me to bits. But I have let him go. I feel so much more free now. I still pity him, I still care about his wellbeing, but it is not mine to WORRY about anymore. Hallelujah.